Still Ticking...

 

Beards

No. Not the type that celebrities bring to movie premieres, passing them off as their dates, but the other type -- the ones on your face.

Now, I have nothing against facial hair. It can look quite manly, although my Italian aunts hate it when I say that to them. But, just because you can grow facial hair, doesn’t mean you ought to.

Look. Some guys out there were blessed by the Follicle Gods. Guys like Tom Selleck and Billy Campbell have some of the best beards on earth. They are prime examples of people that should grow them. It would be a crime if they didn’t.

Then there are those other guys. You know the ones. You see them everywhere. They walk around acting cool, all the while sporting that unsightly growth on their face. They insist on growing their sparse bristles in spite of not being in the same league as the guys mentioned above.

Look fellows, that scraggly beard only makes you look like you have an over-abundance of armpit hair on your face. Apparently, your friends and family can't bear to hurt your feelings, because no one has told you how pathetic your attempts are. Hell, they are downright sad.

The variations out there are no better. Those tiny patches of fuzz under the lower lip and nowhere else. What is that? These odd growths look more like an incredibly hairy mole, than a beard. Then there is the, I-Just-Got-Up-and-Haven’t-Had-Time-To-Shave, razor stubble. Dopey and anything but casual. It only works if you’ve been blessed with a profusion of hair. In that case, you might even pull it off.

But you out there–and you know who you are–stop fooling yourself. You won’t seem more macho, you will not be sexier, women won’t swoon over you. All it will do is leave an unsightly case of beard-burn on your unlucky lover, nothing else. And that goes for mustaches, too.

Please give it up. You’re not Tom Selleck and you never will be. If you can’t grow a decent, full beard, please don’t. Save us all from eye strain.

Alp

© 2005 Alp Horizons

Me.